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Friday, November 17, 2017

The Struggle Is Real

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I did so well for quite sometime after my RNY. My weight loss was steady, even after the stresses of my then husband left. I had lost 150 plus pounds and felt truly amazing. I was not at goal, but I was headed there.

But now…today I feel like a failure!

I have been able to keep off more than 100 pounds but I take 1 step forward….and slide 5 steps back.

I think I have a plan, I begin it and my head gets in the way.

Each step I feel like I am making in the healing after my divorce something happens and yanks me back 20 steps.

I know I am not the first person to go through a divorce and maybe I was a bit naive to think my marriage would be able to survive no matter what problems arose. That my spouse would be willing to work at our marriage and honor our wedding vows despite the difficulty.

I am here in my head hating that I have slid so far back, not just with the weight gain but the self hate I have.

I have always been strong, I have always had to be the one to be strong and I am tired.

I am tired of being the strong one.

I am tired of fighting for everything I have.

I am tired of not being able to rely on anyone else.

I am truly tired….physically and mentally.

I am weak and afraid to be here.

How did I get here?

what happened to succeeding?

Where did I go?

How do I find myself again?

I do not even know where or how to start.

How did I allow this to happen?

I need to work through this…somehow, someway.

I know what I should be doing, so why can’t I?

why does self sabotage seem to have reared its ugly head…again!?

UUUGGGHH

Stay tuned if you dare.

I have got to write through all this junk….again!

Off to try to find a starting point.

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