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Saturday, August 26, 2017

Life is Crazy

Things in this life just are not fair at times. How we choose to deal with them can truly define the person we are….the real person we are.

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When someone tells you they would rather be dead than to remain with you, it can really have an impact of your self confidence and question yourself as to what is so wrong with you that someone would rather die than to try to work things out to keep your family together but choose to break up that family you together created.

This is what happened to me.Those words above were told to me by me ex-husband the night he said he was leaving. They have echoed through my head ever since. I tried to bury them, I have tried to ignore them. Just when I think I have rid myself of them they return with added vengeance.

I know in my head that those words were more of a reflection of the man he was, especially since his true colors have shined through immensely as to the character of a man he really is since we have been divorced. Seeing the person he has become hurts, not just me, but our children, his parents and siblings as well as many of the friends we had, and I still have.

I thought I knew him….I did not. I trusted him, that turned out to be foolish. I loved him deeply at one time, now I just feel pity for him.

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For a short time I felt sorry for myself though, for our children. My thoughts were that we were a broken family, in fact for a little while I felt like we were no longer a family at all. But you know what? That is the farthest thing from the truth. We are a family and the 3 of us are a strong family, working together to heal and move forward. We are succeeding in this, but there are blips, minor setbacks. We learn to take them, regroup and move forward again stronger than before.

I love my life as it is now. True there are minor changes I would like to see, but overall I have not allowed those above words of hate to define or destroy me. When they have set me back, I come out swinging stronger!

I am emerging from one of those set backs, a year of setbacks to be perfectly honest, but I am feeling stronger, more determined than ever to continue growing and regaining the person I lost to years of emotional abuse. During all the years we were together, knowing I was being abused, as with most in the situation I was in, was not evident to me or even to those around me, even my closest of  friends and family. Emotional abuse is the easiest type of abuse to continue in secret and can truly cripple a person.

When I speak to others that had been in emotionally abusive relationships, their stories and the feelings they experienced echo my own. I know I have scars. I know I have issues trusting. I no longer see the good automatically in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I am working through those things and probably will for a very long time, but I also know I will not allow anyone to ever abuse me again in any way….ever! I am worth so much more than that.

My focus is healing myself…helping my children and being a good citizen of this earth.

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My head spiral has had some consequences I need to address and gain a refocus. That of weight regain. I look at myself in the mirror and what I see I do not like. I am in control of that though…me I can do that. I may not be able to control something, but that I can control and I have the keys to do it.

It is one day at the time baby and I got this!!

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