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Thursday, March 9, 2017

True Story...I almost Gave Up

I would be a hypocrite if I did not admit that I almost gave up.

Gave up on what?

**Warning: this is a rant! Proceed at your own risk.**

Gave up on me. On making changes that would make me a better person. On losing weight.

Throwing in the proverbial towel.

For some time I had been in a very dark place, though many would never have guessed it because I do my best to hide my dark negative feelings. Instead I ate them. Which really is what got me to my ultimate high weight of almost 400 pounds! I NEVER want to go back there.

I have had more of a difficult time adjusting to being a single mom then even I realized. Trying to be it all, for everyone, but especially my kids. To support them, catapulted into a full-time work schedule coupled with being mom and dad and all things they need in between. When they are sick, when they are hurt, when they just need me.

I know I am whining, or am I? I know there are MANY single Moms. Some by choice, some not at all by choice. I am NOT by choice but rather through the selfish acts of my ex-husband who I feel stole so much from me and never had the decency to respond to me when I confronted him on how I felt. So may unresolved feelings that I have been stuffing down and covering in food. At times feeling sorry for myself. 

I never would have thought my life would be this way even just 5 years ago. I know in MANY ways I am better without my ex, but I struggle in ways I never realized I would ever be struggling. It is those struggles I am working through to help them make me a better person. It is those struggles I NEED to stop pushing them down by eating my feelings. Eating my feelings will NOT make them go away, it will however bring more struggles and issues that I will need to ultimately deal with, but after I lose so much of the person I am working on releasing form the bonds of unhappiness.

I have kept myself pretty stable with little things since he left. I moved as soon as I could knowing the home we had lived in would be unmanageable being alone with 2 of my kids. We have lived in the same apartment though for the past couple years since though.

One of the things I have truly struggled with is employment and the challenges of being a single mom. I need something flexible enough that when appointments come up for my kids I can be there to take them. I home school my youngest because of severe anxiety that had been enhanced by his dad leaving me. That is challenging  but worth the effort to watch him blossom. I had been a stay at home Mom for most of our marriage of 20+ years, so no real skills to speak of. To find something has been incredibly difficult to say the least and I have been through multiple jobs. But I rely on my creator to get me through and I can say He has never left us without anything we have needed.

I can truly say my faith has kept me from giving up on everything though and just ending it. Yes I mean ending it all. I am thankful for that and that even in my darkest moments I may have given up on me, I never could give up on my God, my kids and the amazing friends I have because of my faith.

The dark clouds have finally lifted for the most part and I am ready to move on in regaining my health and that woman I had been struggling to release from the bondage of fat.

It is time to be a little selfish and to take the time I need to make better choices, to take time to exercise and to acknowledge my feelings and work through them. Punching something comes to mind a lot when I am angry about things, maybe a punching bag should be in my future. Hmmm I like that thought, work out and take out my anger on a poor innocent bag of fluff. Food for thought there.

I can do anything I set my mind to.

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