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Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Gift Anxiety

I absolutely love giving gift to those I care about.

That said I am not good at receiving gifts...

of any kind...

from anyone.

This past week has not been a great one at all.

I have been having issues with my washer and dryer periodically and then last Monday my dryer started making this unnerving sound.

So another new thing for me to figure out what to do now being on my own.

I figured first thing is to figure out if they are worth fixing so I put a message up on Facebook for input.

I got a text from new friends of mine and her husband came and looked them over briefly letting me know he was going to come back on the weekend to check them out more thoroughly. that is GREAT!

Tuesday I had to head out of town for work....then Wednesday this happened!

And my crazy life got a bit crazier.

Not a bad accident at all.

BUT has caused me some issues.

So totally forgot about my new friends coming over for dinner and the washer and dryer going to get pulled apart.

It turned out they were sick and could not get over. No biggie one thing I have gotten good at is rolling with whatever gets put in my way...for the most part.

So life moves on.

Then.

I get a message from another friend...letting me know they may be able to help.

AWESOME!

Sunday comes and he takes apart my dryer and fixes it! Just needed a bit of greasing and maintenance.  YES.

My washer is old...REALLY old.

I did not have much hope for it and have been pricing washers. They are crazy expensive!

After getting into the washer it looked like springs needed replacing so my friend was going to look up the parts and see if they were available, this looked good. Even if I could get another 6 months out of this that'd be great.

So why the title of Gift Anxiety?

Well no matter what it is I have such a hard time accepting gifts. I am unaccustomed to it. Even being married for more than 20 years, my ex hardly ever bought me anything. Ever.

I did the gifting, I mean they say you treat others the way you want to be treated, right? Well I did not want to be showered with gifts but a token of appreciation and something even small to show you care now and again I believe in and live, though did not receive that in return from him. After a while I started feeling like i just was not good enough, not worthy enough, nothing I did meant anything. So now when someone gives me a gift of any kind I have such a hard time accepting it.

Fast forward to Monday...I get a call.

Friend says "After some thinking, I just do not think the washer is worth fixing so I bought you one. I have it with me and am on my way, just wanted to make sure everyone is awake and dressed"

WHAT??!!

Major anxiety and panic attack followed.

Then tears.

More hyperventilating and lots of walking, trying to walk away the feelings.

More tears.

Even just writing this out is bringing tears to my eyes.

It is the most generous gift and I think the best washer I have ever had!

It is so fancy...quiet...awesome!

I am still in awe, not the thing I would have ever expected.

Yes I am feeling unworthy of such generous and amazing gift along with the people that have entered my life over the past couple of years. I am so very blessed and not completely certain why.

At every bumpy turn I have seen my Creators hand, right there helping me through hard times with the people that have come into my life, no matter if they are financial, material or emotional bumps. At every turn someone has been and is there for me.

At every change in my life I try to grow from it, to be a better person, no matter if those changes are good and positive or bad and negative. To take away something positive even from the worst of the worst a change I may experience is my goal. To grow in a positive way despite  negative change is a win in my book.

My friend asked to remain anonymous and I totally will respect his wishes. He is truly a humble, generous and faithful man that I am blessed to be able to call a friend.

My friend!

Will I ever get over not being able to handle accepting gifts? At this point in my journey I do not feel like I ever will feel like I am deserving of such kindness and generosity.

But I do know I will not go back to the way I was. I want to feel better about myself, the person I am, the person I was before I lost who I was in a long bad marriage.

Working on this:

Today I make the promise to work on me....the positive change.

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