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Friday, June 8, 2012

Breakwater

Last month the family and I went to a beautiful spot to go for a walk.

The walk was 0.8 miles out to the light house so 1.6 miles round trip.

I did not get to the Light House.

I got a little bit out there and then my hip started hurting and I was panicked I’d get too far and then get stuck! No way to get back to shore.

So I said good bye to my husband and son (my older son and daughter had already run ahead) and turned back towards shore.

This was so hard because I knew it was going to be disappointing to my husband and as I turned around the tears just flowed. Knowing he would be and was disappointed I was not able to go with him.

It was during my walk alone back to shore and the time alone sitting on the bench waiting for my family to rejoin me that I had a lot of time to think.

To ponder and be alone with my thoughts.

What I had realized was this was actually a victory for me.

No I did not make it to the Light House.

No I did not even make it halfway. BUT I DID go.

I DID walk a bit.

I attempted at least something instead of completely sitting on the sidelines watching and doing NOTHING!

At that moment I let go of the feelings of my husband and owned my own. I did not allow someone else to dictate how I felt, instead the feeling of happiness that I did make progress…however small in someone else's eyes was a triumph to me.

It’s the positive that help us keep going. It’s the negative that hold us down and back.

That too is when it hit me that I had been seeing myself through the eyes of disappointment in others that love me but truly have no emotional clue about what it feels like to be me. An active person inside trapped in this body.

I can beat myself up enough all by myself without the help of looking through someone else’s eyes and seeing nothing but the negative. This will be hard but was going to be a goal of mine. To instead embrace the positive changes I am making no matter how small.

So I will conquer you…The Breakwater…someday. Yes I will. I will walk and beat you. But until then I will take each challenge as it comes, working my hardest to conquer you.

Until next time…

Trish

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