Saturday, June 30, 2012

Off Kilter

I am currently on my pre-op diet for surgery next Thursday and the first week went pretty good no issues. Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I had not slept too good the past 2 nights… so that was against me. I think my hormones are beginning to get off kilter a bit…so that was against me. The to top it all off my husband is now having issues at work…issues that when he takes the time off for me to have surgery he may be put on final notice!


Guess what I am a stress eater and well that pushed me  over the edge.

I ate!!

  • I had some pepperoni.
  • I had some salami
  • I had some cheese
  • I had a couple of bites of the cube steak I made for dinner for my family
  • I had a handful of chocolate chips
  • I had a giant glass of skim milk(this was not so bad as it is actually on the list of foods I can eat right now)

I was so angry with myself!

I am, however, human. If I beat myself up over this it is just going to get worse. So I made the choice to stop right there! I went and took a shower and got ready for bed. I did need a little extra sleep because I really was over tired plus it would keep me out of the kitchen. So that is what I did.

I am still pretty upset with myself but I also forgive myself and am moving on.

Today I have been right on track and my body is, well letting me know about the mistake I made and I think I will remember to not to that again.

Today my mood is better. I slept well and I am positive and bright.

Today makes it only 4 days until surgery and I am a world wind of emotions…some good…some not so good.

Until next time…


Wednesday, June 27, 2012


The time for surgery is getting closer and I am anxious.

Anxious in a good way though.

Last night Kevin and I went to a WLS support meeting and it was great. One of the surgeons came in and took questions for a bit and thought I did not hear anything new, it was good to hear it again.

I also saw one of the woman who was just a month out of surgery when I first went to one of these meeting last June who had lost quite a bit already. I barely recognized her! She had lost 188 pounds in 13 months! Holy cow! She was tiny! Seriously! Seeing her before I NEVER would have imagined she would be this small. It really gave me reason to pause and reflect on what I can accomplish using this tool I am being blessed with.

The subject of loose skin came up and really it is what it is. I allowed my weight to get out of hand so what should I expect. I will do my best to build muscle and tone as I go. . The facts are I have had 3 children, all via c-sections and have had this excess weight for a long time. My skin has taken a beating. After I reach my goal weight I will revisit the whole looking into plastic surgery thing. Until then my focus is on loosing weight and getting healthy and a LOT more active.

Until next time…


Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Bucket List

The other day, I started thinking about the little things I look forward to.

That is when I realized that with the small amount of weight I have lost so far that my knees are not hurting as much. This is a HUGE victory for me because I was getting really concerned I would hurt myself and lay me up during the “honeymoon” phase of my upcoming journey.

I mean to do any kind of walking for exercise was soo very painful. Just standing up would hurt. That is when I read this…

"Our results indicate that each pound of weight lost will result in a 4-fold reduction in the load exerted on the knee per step during daily activities," wrote lead researcher Dr. Stephen P. Messier and colleagues. "Accumulated over thousands of steps per day, a reduction of this magnitude would appear to be clinically meaningful."

So in effect every pound I lose reduces the pressure by 4 pounds. No wonder my knees are starting to feel better. That is truly motivating!

I also stepped on the scale this morning and it is moving down!! Yaya! That is what I am aiming for.

So this about the little things though. The things so many really do not even think about. What am I referring to?

Well things like these:

  • sitting comfortably in theatre seats
  • not being out of breath walking up the stairs
  • having better balance
  • playing on my Wii again
  • dancing
  • enjoying clothes shopping
  • not embarrassing my daughter(not really such a little thing!)
  • playing with the kids outside
  • taking up only 1 cushion on the couch
  • fitting in the seat at the eye doctors
  • being able to sit in our outdoor chairs again

So you see the list really can and will go on…the little things that as the weight comes off I will be celebrating. Even if it is just me giving myself a high 5!

Thank you for visiting!

Until next time…


23 days before surgery

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Twas The Night Before Surgery

Twas The Night Before Surgery

'Twas the night before surgery,
when all through my gut
not a morsel was stirring,
not even a nut.

The suitcase was packed
by the back door with care,
in hopes that a new me
would soon return there.

I lay nestled, snug in my bed
while visions of calories
danced in my head;

And me in my plus size
pajamas and wrap,
had just settled in
for a long restless nap.

When deep in my mind
there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my dreams
to see what was the matter.

Away to my fridge
I flew like a flash,
ripped open the door
and drooled at the stash.

The moonlight reflecting
off the beautiful snacks
gave a luster of radiance
to all on the racks.

When, what to my
wondering eyes should appear,
but an array of the comfort foods
I hold so dear.

With a familiar feeling
of all those I'd pick,
I thought in a moment
I just might be sick.

More lovely than angels
their voices they came,
and they whistled and shouted
and called me by name;

"Now pizza, now french fries,
now chocolate galore
on cheescake, on ice cream,
on donuts and more!"

From the tip of my tongue,
to the bottom of my toe,
I will miss you all more
than ever you'll know.

As an addict that shakes
and stirs as he sits,
I'll mourn the loss
of my delectable hits.

So back to my bed
I went with great haste,
and settled back down
with nary a taste.

And then in an instant,
in pre-op I sat,
nervously waiting
to no longer be fat.

As I sat deep in thought
and adjusted my gown,
in came my surgeon
in one single bound.

He was dressed all in scrubs,
from his head to his feet
and he seemed very calm
as he eyed me like meat.

He looked at my chart,
with his scope gave a listen;
I don't think he noticed
my eyes start to glisten.

He was chubby and plump
he could lose some himself,
and I laughed when I saw him
in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye
and a twist of his head,
soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke barely a word
as he prepped for his work,
he paused for a moment,
then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger
aside of his face,
and giving a nod,
out of the room he did race.

He checked in the next day,
to his students gave a whistle,
and away they all flew
like a down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim
as he walked out of sight,
"speedy thinness to you
and a healthier life!"
-- Author Unknown

Monday, June 18, 2012

It’s A Great Time…


Before Kev and I had kids we fished…. A LOT! Of course we lived in Florida…on the coast so why not? Right.

Last week we took the plunge and bought all 5 of us fishing gear. We are trying to become a more active … outside … type of family.

This is a first step.

The next step is bikes!

The kids were so happy!!!

We have been fishing almost nightly and pretty much just practicing our casting. That is ok though because we needed it.

That is until Saturday when my husband and 2 younger kids actually caught 4 mackerel! They came home sooo excited…fired up the grill and had them fresh. It was awesome seeing them so excited about eating fish…they caught. I have never had mackerel, but they said it was yummy.

I wish I had been with them…to have seen their faces but I will definitely get my opportunity. I do love fishing and look forward to doing it more and more with my family.

The time for my surgery is getting ever closer and I am sooo looking forward to it. Call me crazy! I just want to feel good…to have more energy.

Until next time…


Monday, June 11, 2012


That is the word I thought of when my daughter came home and announced she would be singing in her schools band fundraiser “The Coffee House”.

Not only was she going to sing but she was doing it acapella!


Watching her…smiling from ear to ear…I was so happy for her to have that kind of strength, I realized if she can do this I can certainly let go of the fear of losing weight in order to be here to see more of her courage.

I have been aware of this fear for a bit and know I am not alone in this. That fact though if I allow myself to think too much about it I get panicked, so I just try to not think of it too much and just take it one day moment by moment.

This is a work in progress and I am moving forward…step by step.

Until next time…


Friday, June 8, 2012


Last month the family and I went to a beautiful spot to go for a walk.

The walk was 0.8 miles out to the light house so 1.6 miles round trip.

I did not get to the Light House.

I got a little bit out there and then my hip started hurting and I was panicked I’d get too far and then get stuck! No way to get back to shore.

So I said good bye to my husband and son (my older son and daughter had already run ahead) and turned back towards shore.

This was so hard because I knew it was going to be disappointing to my husband and as I turned around the tears just flowed. Knowing he would be and was disappointed I was not able to go with him.

It was during my walk alone back to shore and the time alone sitting on the bench waiting for my family to rejoin me that I had a lot of time to think.

To ponder and be alone with my thoughts.

What I had realized was this was actually a victory for me.

No I did not make it to the Light House.

No I did not even make it halfway. BUT I DID go.

I DID walk a bit.

I attempted at least something instead of completely sitting on the sidelines watching and doing NOTHING!

At that moment I let go of the feelings of my husband and owned my own. I did not allow someone else to dictate how I felt, instead the feeling of happiness that I did make progress…however small in someone else's eyes was a triumph to me.

It’s the positive that help us keep going. It’s the negative that hold us down and back.

That too is when it hit me that I had been seeing myself through the eyes of disappointment in others that love me but truly have no emotional clue about what it feels like to be me. An active person inside trapped in this body.

I can beat myself up enough all by myself without the help of looking through someone else’s eyes and seeing nothing but the negative. This will be hard but was going to be a goal of mine. To instead embrace the positive changes I am making no matter how small.

So I will conquer you…The Breakwater…someday. Yes I will. I will walk and beat you. But until then I will take each challenge as it comes, working my hardest to conquer you.

Until next time…


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Times A Tickin’

ok I have tried this post now 3 times!!

So anyway I am sooo very excited about my upcoming surgery.

It is getting closer.

I have been getting ready BECAUSE the time is rapidly approaching. I ordered 4 canisters of Unjury protein powder in Chocolate Classic, Strawberry Sorbet, Unflavored and Chicken Soup.

Then I hopped on over to the CLICK site and pre-ordered the new decaf version they will have ready to ship on June 18th. I hope it comes pretty quick, I’d love to be able to drink it during my pre-op diet phase. If not I also ordered the Vanilla Latte and Mocha in regular and can have that at least the first week of my 3 week pre-op…which I begin next Thursday!!!!! Oh my!

AND I won some CLICK too via their Facebook page! I am just more than thrilled!!!!

Oh and I keep forgetting to tell you! I have finally gotten a Vitamix!!!! I have waited for soooo long and I finally got one! I have used it a handful of times and am positive I will be using it A LOT come my new lifestyle I am transforming to.

Until next time…


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

New Date Has Arrived!



I have been sitting here just mulling things from this past weekend, catching up on some studying and I get a call from my primary insurance carrier that they have given me the green light for surgery!!!


Then I was going to call my Surgeon’s office to see if I could get a date set even though I had not heard back from my secondary yet BUT decided I would be patient(after all it is a fruitage I am working on).

I went about my daily business, continuing to catch up on things…you know laundry, dishes, basic cleaning.

The phone rings again…it is Candy…the scheduler from my surgeons office!!


She is calling ME!

After Aetna called her she was able to check my secondary insurances website to see if the approval had come through.(Something I can’t do I don’t think, maybe I can I am really not 100% sure BUT it does not matter anyway now) It DID!! So both insurance companies have given the green light and she was calling me with a date!! Or rather she was calling me to schedule THE date!

Can you believe it!? This time around things have seemed to have gone so smoothly…no bumps and QUICK too!

So the date is…

Are you ready for this???

July 5th!!!!

Exactly one month from today I get to receive a tool to help me in this journey I have been on most of my life but definitely ALL of my adult life!

I read about some very successful people who have had the surgery. I also read about some that have had complications. Some who have had a bit of regain. Others who are in the process still. Yet still more that have not only been successful but have completely changed their lives.

I know it is NOT going to be easy. I know there WILL be negative nelly’s that pop up. I know there is the possibility of complications. BUT…I am running…yes running into this with my eyes wide open and I am thrilled, excited and thankful I have been given another chance.

I am still not ready though to share this wonderful news with any in my real life… I know I will…eventually, just not yet.

Until next time…


Monday, June 4, 2012

So Many Choices

The past 5 days have really been such a mixture of emotions.

On one hand internally I was so up built…spiritually up built.

On the other I was in agony.

I so enjoyed the close family time, but hate the impending feeling of being an embarrassment.

A rollercoaster really I guess you could say. Now I am home though and ready to press on. Ready to find my motivation to:

  • step on that scale daily
  • to track my food each day
  • plan it in advance
  • walk each day and build more and more time each day
  • work on being firm but kind to myself

The next time I go clothes shopping I want it to be fun and not bring me to tears.

Speaking of clothes I won a beautiful dress last week and it is on it’s way. Of course I ordered so it would not fit me now BUT will eventually. I plan on hanging it up in my bedroom for motivation to help me keep strong.

I know this is it for me. I will make a difference.

Until next time…


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Not What I Want


In pain.



Yep that is physically how I felt today.

I am attending a convention I do every year and I can see a vast decline in my health and how I can handle things. I am so upset at how much harder and challenging things were…are here! I am having major issues with the stairs, my hip is out, my back hurts as well as my feet!

No more!

I so am looking forward to next month. I know it will not be easy. I know it is going to be hard and challenging but I also know the payoff will be so worth it! The boost and tool I really need and want!

I cannot wait to be on the other side of this surgery. To be on the mend and my poor joints getting a break from all this weight they are currently carrying around.

I know this will be better… I just need to keep focused on what I need to do right now to have a safe surgery.

Until next time…