I really have always tried to keep my posts upbeat and positive. Burying the pain. Yeah I know that’s not good. So where I still feel that way, I need a place to “talk” things out. To release. With that said…if you choose to not read I totally understand.
I found out something today that just totally broke my heart.
I was talking to my daughter about surgery(keeping this close to home this time and not sharing with anyone until later…much later). I have chosen to only tell my immediate family amongst those in my real life. I know I have a couple friends locally that read and I ask you to PLEASE keep this to yourself. The constant asking about the upcoming surgery started to wig me out. So after seeing my surgeon we(my husband, surgeon and myself all agreed I need to keep this close to home here locally.
Anyway I was talking to her and asking how she felt about me having surgery. When I was approaching it back in December she was not wanting me to have it at all. Panicked as a matter of fact.
I figured this was a topic we needed to discuss.
I found out that I embarrass her. <sigh>
I am so upset.
I am so sad.
She shared with me she hides down aisles when we are at the stores and she sees someone she knows from school.
How did I get here!? How did I allow myself get to the point I embarrass my daughter? Do I embarrass my sons? I know I embarrass my husband so why could THAT knowledge not be enough for me to make a difference?
The difference is definitely within me. Now anyway. I am so wanting this change. I NEED this change. I no longer want to be an embarrassment to anyone I love!
I even felt compelled to ask her if she even wanted me to go see her sing at school tomorrow night. I totally would not go and just watch it on video if it made her feel better. I was happy she still wants me there to see her. I know this is a big thing for her tomorrow night. I look forward to seeing it and sharing it as well.
Until next time…