Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Are You Kind…To Yourself?

I have not been.

I beat myself up emotionally and that needs to stop and stop right now. I would NEVER say the things to those I love that I say to myself in my head! I just would not dream of it. SO why do I say horrible and mean things to myself?!

I feel like I am not worthy and though an imperfect individual God even shows so much more kindness to me than I do and how horrible is that? I mean all I have is a gift from God and I have not treated it kindly…not at all.

I am certainly not showing love and caring for this body he gave me. Instead I have ignored and abused it. It cannot happen anymore.

I have to remember that my time is now and that I want good “dates’ with my children and husband. I know loosing the weight is not a cure all for all that woes me but it will certainly help me feel more confident, have more energy, be more active.

So I will persevere! And work on being kind to myself as I do to others I love.

Until next time…


Monday, May 28, 2012

Be Careful For What You Ask

I really have always tried to keep my posts upbeat and positive. Burying the pain. Yeah I know that’s not good. So where I still feel that way, I need a place to “talk” things out. To release. With that said…if you choose to not read I totally understand.

I found out something today that just totally broke my heart.

I was talking to my daughter about surgery(keeping this close to home this time and not sharing with anyone until later…much later). I have chosen to only tell my immediate family amongst those in my real life. I know I have a couple friends locally that read and I ask you to PLEASE keep this to yourself. The constant asking about the upcoming surgery started to wig me out. So after seeing my surgeon we(my husband, surgeon and myself all agreed I need to keep this close to home here locally.

Anyway I was talking to her and asking how she felt about me having surgery. When I was approaching it back in December she was not wanting me to have it at all. Panicked as a matter of fact.

I figured this was a topic we needed to discuss.

We did.

I found out that I embarrass her. <sigh>

I am so upset.

I am so sad.

She shared with me she hides down aisles when we are at the stores and she sees someone she knows from school.

How did I get here!? How did I allow myself get to the point I embarrass my daughter? Do I embarrass my sons? I know I embarrass my husband so why could THAT knowledge not be enough for me to make a difference?

The difference is definitely within me. Now anyway. I am so wanting this change. I NEED this change. I no longer want to be an embarrassment to anyone I love!

I even felt compelled to ask her if she even wanted me to go see her sing at school tomorrow night. I totally would not go and just watch it on video if it made her feel better. I was happy she still wants me there to see her. I know this is a big thing for her tomorrow night. I look forward to seeing it and sharing it as well.

Until next time…


Thursday, May 10, 2012


Good fabulous morning!

Do you eat fruit? I LOVE fruit! Especially berries and kiwis! Fruit also loves me…and you.

Moderation in everything though. Right?

I mean too much of a good thing can harm us.

Take water…it is essential…vital for life.

BUT too much can kill you.

Such is the balance of life. Always a work in progress.

So here is my outlook.

All things in balance.

One day at a time.


On a side note…I will be tuning into 20/20 this week as Melting Mama will be on being interviewed! It is all on the diet industry and I encourage you too tune in as well. It is on ABC at 10PM here in my area. You can check your local listings so you won’t miss it.

So now tell me..what are some of your favorite fruits?

Will you be tuning into 20/20 tomorrow night?

Have a fantabulous day!

Until next time…


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Back & Forth… AGAIN!


All I want is to be at a “normal” weight and BMI and this whole head thing just has to keep getting in the way!!!!!!

Seriously. One day I KNOW surgery is the way for me.

Then an article on how this person or that person lost weight…a lot of weight… catches my eye and I am off again…oh I can do this on my own.

The thing is I can’t.

I have tried.

So many times…so many “diets”. I certainly can loose weight but I never have reached goal…I have ALWAYS gained it back…all of it plus more. Which has brought me to my highest weight yet(366)…ever and I am done!

I know I need to find a way to eat that will sustain me the rest of my life.

I know sugar and simple carbs do NOT like my body…actually it is the other way around…my body doe NOT like them. It rebels…tries to remind me we are not friends, but do I listen? Not usually. I NEED to do this.

Am I trying to talk myself into surgery here? Nope! I talking myself through this. Reasoning on the facts. The proof of my attempts.

I have tried so many different ways of eating…like vegan, flexitarian, raw,  juicing, low fat, low carb and low calories.  I have used programs like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig AND NutriSystem! I have busted butt at the gym.

So where I HAVE learned things about me, I have not been successful in finding a sustainable way to lose the weight AND keep it off, or find myself at goal. As a matter of fact as an adult I have not been able to get below 295 pounds! That is the weight I gave birth to my oldest at 17 years ago and I have NEVER been able to get myself below it. SIGH

Researching weight loss surgery….

I see hope.

Hope of being at a normal and healthy weight and BMI…an active mom…an active wife.

I know all plans work for some people and out there there is a plan for everyone. For me this is the plan I do feel strongly as I research more and more is what is going to be the key to my success…

I am back mentally to where I was about a year ago when I originally decided to go down this road and that too tells me this is right for me.

13 days to go to see Dr. Toder and see what she says about getting my insurance resubmitted for approval of surgery.

One day at a time and breathe!

Until next time…


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Bariatric Tools

I have been doing a LOT of reading again. And researching. And ordering of things.

I am in the process of getting things ready for surgery.

I meet with Dr. Toder in 17 days!! My hope is to have  my insurance submitted after that appointment and have a surgery date within a month. Not that my surgery will be within a month but I will hear back yay or nay…then proceed. My guess is I will be approved as I already was. My hopes is a date sometime in July. We shall see and I shall let you know when I do!

I am still looking for different protein drinks…need to try before the 2 week pre-op and 2 week post-op diet officially begins. Any suggestions? What is your fave?

Also on my list I still need to buy are…

  • To help me eat slower…
  • To help with a restful night sleep…
  • To puree food for a few weeks and quick prep meals 

Those are a few things…what else do you think may be helpful? Any ideas?

Until next time…


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Many Roads Lead to Success

Do you ever just feel overwhelmed!?

I do!

I get reading about what this “Dr.” thinks is the only way to lose weight or that person did it and my head just begins to swim! I found myself there last night. A well meaning friend suggested I look into and read a book. She is concerned about me having bariatric surgery. I totally understand.

She posed a question to me that if I have to have certain behaviors after surgery why not just do them now. I have to admit it got me thinking. I could not give her an answer last night…I just had no clue. I read the excerpts on the book she suggested. It was a lot I have heard/read before. Then more questions arose. Ones that completely contradict this Dr./Author.That wonder if I am doing the right thing to have surgery started creeping in again.

Then I realize as I am having the conversation in my head that I AM doing a lot of what I would be doing after surgery BUT the weight is slowly coming off…which has happened in the past so many times. It is so slow I get so discouraged and then I throw in the towel. I know me. I have done it all so to speak and I just am done trying everything else.

  • I know this is not a cure all.
  • I know there is a great loss followed by a slingback of some of the weight.
  • I know no matter HOW we lose weight, regain is ALWAYS a possibility.
  • If you lose weight via counting calories or carbs, follow Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutri-system, Slim Fast or any number of diets out there you CAN regain weight.
  • They are all tools. All of them. We as individuals need to find what will work for us.
  • Some find it right off.
  • Others…like me…have to continue to hunt until we do find a solution we can work with. That will work for us.
  • Do I know absolutely surgery is going to work? Of course not.
  • Does anyone? Nope. Again it is JUST a tool! I still need to do the work.

I enjoy reading of other people’s successes and I love cheering others along on the journey…no matter the course they have chosen. It is a personal decision. One each of us need to live with and work within. While I read each persons journey through the various routes…that is when I am reminded these are tools and all have the potential to lose their effectiveness. We have that potential to stop using them resulting in a weight regain.

So no matter our road we decide to travel down, we are all looking to succeed.

Until next time…