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Thursday, January 12, 2012

If You Don’t Like It…Change It!

Only 2 days left of my juice commitment, feeling great, and then, out of NOWHERE I binged!!! No reason for it…other than I just did.

Self sabotage?

Yes I believe so!

I am sooo very upset with myself!

Why?!

I have been here before and I just do not have any clue outside of fear. Fear of losing the protection emotionally of the outer fat I have.

<SIGH>

I cannot stop thinking maybe I made a mistake cancelling my surgery. It really scares me, the thought of going under the “knife”, but maybe I should be more afraid of dying young, developing complications due to my weight instead. Maybe I just need a little more time to let the whole rearrangement of my guts to sink in. To process the whole idea.

It also does not help I stepped on the scale and have not lost anymore weight despite juicing and exercising. Hmmm, maybe that is why I binged?!

So I am cracking out my bariatric bible again and prayerfully going to reconsider upping my surgeon follow-up appointment. I have an appointment for March but think I might see about going this month or next instead. Not sure.

I just really need to get this weight off and I really thought jump starting my weight loss with a juice fast would push me forward. It is not. I feel like I have failed!

I think too I still felt feel a bit of, hmm not sure the word here, but that having the surgery was me giving up. Really it is not giving up though and I see that now. I need to make changes. Changes that will be sustaining.

The things I’d need to give up do not even compare to what I’d gain. I have been at this weight loss journey so long I think at times I just resolve in my heart that I will never be a healthy weight and just need to learn to live with it, but the truth is, I am not really living! I am really just surviving, existing.

The other part of this equation to me cancelling my surgery was that I was not having the sleeve, but the bypass. You know what I think I NEED to have the bypass NOT the sleeve. The possibility of experiencing the “dumping” syndrome needs to a part of that tool I need. I found myself during this binge eating sugar on top of sugar!

So where am I? Not completely sure yet, I do know I need to definitely prayerfully reconsider my decision.

I feel like caving. Just isolating myself, but know THAT will NOT help me in the least. Crying? Oh yes, at the drop of a hat! Emotions are upside down!

It is sort of funny how when I told everyone I cancelled my surgery, it seems no one heard me say I have not completely taken that option off the table. I was only postponing it. Then so many all of a sudden starting telling me horror stories of ones they knew that had a lot of complications or died and were happy I was not having the surgery. That is ok, I know they only have my best interest at heart and I am very grateful for that.

If You Don’t Like It…Change It!

I don’t like it! I don’t like how I feel. I don’t like my knees are hurting more and more. So I need to change things up. But how? What? That needs to be determined. I NEED to make changes! Serious changes. Sustainable changes!!

So after all this, then I begin thinking, it hits me…I only need to lose 2 pounds a week and I will lose 104 pounds this year. 2 pounds!!!! Why can I not lose 2 pounds a week consistently!!!???? If I did I would be at goal in less than 2 years!!!!

I hate counting calories or points! It has a bad effect on me. Really it does. I become very obsessive and my thinking turns to an all or nothing mentality…perfection really. BUT I can not be perfect, so I have to admit to myself this just truly sets me up for failure. I read that and it sounds like an excuse, but it truly is not. I do know myself a bit and this happens EVERYTIME I start to count…be it points or calories. This I know is not an option for me. What I need to do is some real hard soul searching.

I NEED to make peace with food. I NEED to figure out and acknowledge what I am covering or ignoring when I eat things that are not good for me. Or more importantly when I binge. Why do I sabotage my efforts? WHY!!???

I am still exercising and am thankful for MTF pack from Carla. THAT is helping to keep me moving despite the binge I had! No excuses there. Thankfully! Thank you Carla!!

Trish

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