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Sunday, January 22, 2012

Hurting

Tonight was not so good, well part of it anyway. Most was pretty good other than…

I took a fall.

I twisted my right foot.

I landed square on my knee…cap.

It swelled pretty good.

I caught myself with my right hand.

It is sore too.

I am hurting.

I expect to be quite sore tomorrow and this stresses me!

I have a busy busy week ahead of me that I CANNOT be lamed up for.

My overweight morbidly obese body came down really hard.

SIGH

The first time I have actually felt any regret at all over my decision to not have weight loss surgery.

I still own it, accept it, but my thoughts turned to “what if”. I certainly would not have had as much weight come down on my knee. Still a lot, just less.

I felt so angry!

Angry with myself.

Embarrassed.

Defeated.

Stupid.

I am still pretty upset about it, with myself. It was just so unnecessary. I am feeling sore and stiff now as I am actually writing this.

Guess what??!

I want to eat!

I want to feed and burry this emotion! I don’t want to deal with it!

I don’t want to think about losing weight, how I am going to do it anymore.

I just want to feed my mouth with poison chocolate…the stuff that certainly is not a good choice no matter what.

Total frustration!

I will not give in though.

I will not feed my emotions!

I will work through them.

I will keep moving ever forward.

I will eventually figure this all out.

Trish

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