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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Beautiful

Good morning fellow success people! Today is good, don’t you agree?

I am really happy I planned my meals out this week because being sick I really would not have known what to make. I am feeling much better today thankfully but after being sick I do struggle with eating….the things that are good for me. Again really happy I planned. The knee still hurts a bit but is definitely getting better. So happy about this because I really want to get back to regular exercising.

I am sipping my protein coffee and enjoying it very much, despite the dreary day outside. I am working on my weekly goals and moving forward each day.

I am also working on my head junk. The stuff that keeps getting in the way of me getting to goal. The stuff that rears it’s ugly head and pushes me back when I am moving right along working with my goals and “flying” with 2 wings.

Share one or two or three positive thing you have done so far this week.

Trish

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Sunday Scale Time~1.29.12

How have I done?

Weekly weigh in I was down 0.4. I’ll take it. Eating has been a bit better, loving my body more by treating it better with what I put in it for fuel.

My knee is getting better, does not hurt as much when I walk but there is still pain when I try to exercise. None the less moving forward.

I did not exercise much due to my knee pain, though did work through “My personal trainers” workout schedule.

How do I feel…

I am still working on how I feel…putting it in words. I still feel back and forth with how I feel regarding this decision. It is beginning to overtake my dreams so know it is really weighing on me. (no pun intended here guys)

Goals For The Week:
  • Focus on only 5 pounds at a time.
  • Do 30 minutes of activity daily, something…anything
  • Aim for 6500 steps a day.
  • Aim for 64oz water daily.
  • Eat whole unprocessed foods 80% of the time.
  • Meal plan my week.

I am taking things one step at a time.

Tell me one positive thing you accomplished this week.

Trish

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Hurting

Tonight was not so good, well part of it anyway. Most was pretty good other than…

I took a fall.

I twisted my right foot.

I landed square on my knee…cap.

It swelled pretty good.

I caught myself with my right hand.

It is sore too.

I am hurting.

I expect to be quite sore tomorrow and this stresses me!

I have a busy busy week ahead of me that I CANNOT be lamed up for.

My overweight morbidly obese body came down really hard.

SIGH

The first time I have actually felt any regret at all over my decision to not have weight loss surgery.

I still own it, accept it, but my thoughts turned to “what if”. I certainly would not have had as much weight come down on my knee. Still a lot, just less.

I felt so angry!

Angry with myself.

Embarrassed.

Defeated.

Stupid.

I am still pretty upset about it, with myself. It was just so unnecessary. I am feeling sore and stiff now as I am actually writing this.

Guess what??!

I want to eat!

I want to feed and burry this emotion! I don’t want to deal with it!

I don’t want to think about losing weight, how I am going to do it anymore.

I just want to feed my mouth with poison chocolate…the stuff that certainly is not a good choice no matter what.

Total frustration!

I will not give in though.

I will not feed my emotions!

I will work through them.

I will keep moving ever forward.

I will eventually figure this all out.

Trish

No Excuses

Today I faced the music on the scale. I will make NO EXCUSES I am up…a lot! How much? I am up 12 pounds. Yep. The decisions I made are directly reflected on that square glass scale I step on each Sunday.

Amazingly I am ok with that. Do not get me wrong, I am disappointed, but I am owning it. There lies in the difference in ME! There lies why I am ok with it.

I know I made some good decisions like when the family and I went to Denny’s for breakfast. I was dreading it. It was a temptation for me as I LOVE their pumpkin pancakes. However I was armed with their nutritional info and when I saw JUST the pancakes were more than 300 calories and 4 grams of fat I looked for something else. I was happy to see this…

Fit Slam® 390 calories 12grams of fat

NOW I knew what I was going to order. And order I did and it was good!

I really really enjoyed it.

It really was good and the best part about it was I felt good about my decision.

I had other proud moments too but there was some things I know I could have done better but still made a choice, choices I owned.

I have had NO EXCUSES for exercise either thanks to MizFit being my “trainer”. I have her with me each day. She kicks my buttay with the lunges. I hate them, but I do them because I am worth. My body, my health are definitely worth it!

What non-scale victories have you had this week?

Trish

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Hard

My soul searching has brought me here…It’s hard losing weight. It’s hard dieting. It’s hard being overweight. What I need to do, is choose my hard.

I found some inspirational reading: this, this and this.

My pondering thoughts are thinking I actually may re-join Weight Watchers.(Val shhh, I am telling no one here…yet) I am not sure, I do however like what I have been actually seeing about the updates to the program for this year. The changes were not a LOT, however were some of what I did NOT like when they changed things up last year.

I still know I do NOT like counting anything but I also know I need to choose my hard, right? Right! I also keep telling myself I just need to have a goal of 2 pounds lost, then move on from there…each week.

Little changes. Baby steps. One day at a time.

I AM going to just keep going!

Trish

Monday, January 16, 2012

Mourning

I need to own my decisions. I have realized this already, BUT a bit of realization came to me more so after reading this post from Melting Momma!

I LOVED this. It gave me a bit of insight I really needed today! Thank you!

My realization was, part of me had not completely owned the decision to have gastric bypass or any weight loss surgery for that matter. I am a strange egg. I have known this for a long time. See I do not want to compete with anyone to lose weight. I find that discouraging. I’d rather not have a diet “buddy”.

The whole diet “buddy” thing has backfired on me too many times. Too much to go into completely and I really don’t feel like boring you with all the details. Let’s just say I do not want someone to ‘do this with me’ because then the “cheerleader” in me begins to cheer the other person on and I lose sight of my fight. The other scenario that has happened the most is my “buddy” quits. This just totally discourages me. I just cannot/will not do that anymore.

Back a bit to owning my decision. I did feel obligated to have surgery in a way…to my husband. Again without going into too many details, my excess weight has been an issue from time in our almost 19 years of marriage and was scared to death if I backed out of it he would be discouraged. Yep here I go putting others ahead of me. To a point I will not change that part of my personality as this defines who I am and I truly like who I am. I love the part of me that cares for others. What I need to learn is to add myself to that list of people I care about and not neglect my own needs.

I may go back and forth a bit, so please bear with me. In the end I think it will all be very clear. At least I hope so.

I owned THIS decision, felt good about it.

I would be 2 days over a month post-op had I not cancelled the December 15th date I had. My weight has not budged that much.

I feel like I had been mourning over the loss of food. Food that I have used for so many years as a coping mechanism. Food that is always there for me, no matter what. Food that does not judge me. Food that comforts me, though only temporarily. Food that helps me hide what I am really feeling. Food that helps me push those feelings way away so I do not have to deal with them. Food that tastes oh so good, especially what is not good for my body.

My goal has not changed…at all. I want AND need to get myself to a healthy weight, healthy BMI. I want to feel better. I want to have more energy.

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I see this and think “Oh what have I done to myself”!!?? No wonder my poor joints hurt so badly! And to think this scan is of someone even lighter than myself. By roughly 70 pounds!

I have been researching bariatric surgery still, only have been focusing on the RNY instead of the sleeve and really weighing all my options. I need to really make sure I have other coping skills to handle stress other than food as that is a must no matter if I decide surgery is for me or not.

Change is a must for me and I know this. The above is a good reminder that it is a necessary thing I need to do.

The reality is the “mourning” of food is over, at least for now. I cannot say for certain if the “mourning” is over for good, my best guess is it will raise it’s ugly head now and again no matter what I decide.

Hope things are clear as mud for you now!

Have you ever “mourned” food?

Trish

Friday, January 13, 2012

The Difference a Day Can Make

I NEED to remember that the effort is worth it…I am worth it.

Our bodies, our lives, are gifts from God and he expects us to care for that gift the best way we possibly can. God loves me, so I should too.

I am still not sure what route I will take at the crossroads here where I stand. What exactly I will do, but I am feeling better and that is the first step.

Trish

Thursday, January 12, 2012

If You Don’t Like It…Change It!

Only 2 days left of my juice commitment, feeling great, and then, out of NOWHERE I binged!!! No reason for it…other than I just did.

Self sabotage?

Yes I believe so!

I am sooo very upset with myself!

Why?!

I have been here before and I just do not have any clue outside of fear. Fear of losing the protection emotionally of the outer fat I have.

<SIGH>

I cannot stop thinking maybe I made a mistake cancelling my surgery. It really scares me, the thought of going under the “knife”, but maybe I should be more afraid of dying young, developing complications due to my weight instead. Maybe I just need a little more time to let the whole rearrangement of my guts to sink in. To process the whole idea.

It also does not help I stepped on the scale and have not lost anymore weight despite juicing and exercising. Hmmm, maybe that is why I binged?!

So I am cracking out my bariatric bible again and prayerfully going to reconsider upping my surgeon follow-up appointment. I have an appointment for March but think I might see about going this month or next instead. Not sure.

I just really need to get this weight off and I really thought jump starting my weight loss with a juice fast would push me forward. It is not. I feel like I have failed!

I think too I still felt feel a bit of, hmm not sure the word here, but that having the surgery was me giving up. Really it is not giving up though and I see that now. I need to make changes. Changes that will be sustaining.

The things I’d need to give up do not even compare to what I’d gain. I have been at this weight loss journey so long I think at times I just resolve in my heart that I will never be a healthy weight and just need to learn to live with it, but the truth is, I am not really living! I am really just surviving, existing.

The other part of this equation to me cancelling my surgery was that I was not having the sleeve, but the bypass. You know what I think I NEED to have the bypass NOT the sleeve. The possibility of experiencing the “dumping” syndrome needs to a part of that tool I need. I found myself during this binge eating sugar on top of sugar!

So where am I? Not completely sure yet, I do know I need to definitely prayerfully reconsider my decision.

I feel like caving. Just isolating myself, but know THAT will NOT help me in the least. Crying? Oh yes, at the drop of a hat! Emotions are upside down!

It is sort of funny how when I told everyone I cancelled my surgery, it seems no one heard me say I have not completely taken that option off the table. I was only postponing it. Then so many all of a sudden starting telling me horror stories of ones they knew that had a lot of complications or died and were happy I was not having the surgery. That is ok, I know they only have my best interest at heart and I am very grateful for that.

If You Don’t Like It…Change It!

I don’t like it! I don’t like how I feel. I don’t like my knees are hurting more and more. So I need to change things up. But how? What? That needs to be determined. I NEED to make changes! Serious changes. Sustainable changes!!

So after all this, then I begin thinking, it hits me…I only need to lose 2 pounds a week and I will lose 104 pounds this year. 2 pounds!!!! Why can I not lose 2 pounds a week consistently!!!???? If I did I would be at goal in less than 2 years!!!!

I hate counting calories or points! It has a bad effect on me. Really it does. I become very obsessive and my thinking turns to an all or nothing mentality…perfection really. BUT I can not be perfect, so I have to admit to myself this just truly sets me up for failure. I read that and it sounds like an excuse, but it truly is not. I do know myself a bit and this happens EVERYTIME I start to count…be it points or calories. This I know is not an option for me. What I need to do is some real hard soul searching.

I NEED to make peace with food. I NEED to figure out and acknowledge what I am covering or ignoring when I eat things that are not good for me. Or more importantly when I binge. Why do I sabotage my efforts? WHY!!???

I am still exercising and am thankful for MTF pack from Carla. THAT is helping to keep me moving despite the binge I had! No excuses there. Thankfully! Thank you Carla!!

Trish