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Monday, December 12, 2011

Support is Key

I had such a great weekend. Especially yesterday. Probably the best I've had in quite a while.

There has been something that's been nagging me.

Tugging at me.

Just could not put my finger on it.

It's really been a contributor to a lot of my apprehension regarding surgery. Though did not realize until last night talking to hubs.

A couple things actually. Not just one.

First I've always truly believed it is so much healthier all around to eat a veggie based diet. With surgery though protein is the most important thing I need to focus on…forever. With the small amount my pouch will hold I'd have a very hard time meeting that protein requirement. That's the first thing.

The second is when I initially agreed to myself to explore this option it was because I had learned about the sleeve and really liked what I read. What I saw. The whole idea of my innards not being rearranged, just made smaller.

I don't disagree with my surgeon as far as the bypass has been around and has a proven track record verses the sleeve. I have the best surgeon in my area. She is not comfortable performing the sleeve as she has done a few but because of the relatively newness of it has not come across any complications. On the one hand that's awesome!

On the other in her words I'd be a guinea pig because with the bypass she has plan a, b and c for what could potentially go wrong. I guess it really depends on how you look at this.

I did not want to be "a guinea pig" so opted with the bypass option.

I had another meltdown Friday night.

Panic attack.

I've also noticed I've been withdrawing more and more from many in real life. People I love, that love me.

Had to ask myself why?? Being apprehensive I get with my pending surgery. But the other stuff I just don't get.

I watched this last night with hubs. All I have to say is…
WOW!!
Amazing!!
Inspiring!!

In the documentary the Dr. hit upon the whole plant based diet. That's when the above hit me…and hit me hard. I LOVE fruits and veggies and could very easily eat a plant based diet forever and be happy. I miss fruits and veggies.

A LOT!!!

Sigh

After this revelation…wait.…let me back up. Friday night I had a revelation too. That's when I had realized I am not happy about having the bypass. I had said from the beginning it was sleeve or nothing. I sort of feel like I was pressured into it and…though I was not…the decision was actually taken away from me.

Seeing the numbers projected…to actually be 1xx by this time next year…was too good for me to ignore. Even though it would be with the procedure I wanted nothing to do with.

Now I feel panicked. I'm scheduled for surgery…that I aggressively pursued because of my insurance being where it is with no copay until the end of the year.
Decisions!!

I have decided to not have surgery.

To cancel my bypass.

I just can't do it.

It's too much for me.

Maybe this time next year Dr. Toder will have more more confidence with the sleeve for me and be more confident with any complications that may arise.

Until then I'm not upset about all the time I've invested because I've learned a lot about myself and coping strategies. I’ve learned quite a bit and have met some amazing people along the way that I might not have otherwise.

I'm also not giving up. It was my Dr. telling me she strongly suggested Bypass surgery that really spurred me on and that's how I feel right now.

I've now lost 18 pounds and have no intention of giving up.

It truly is amazing how good I feel after making the decision to not have surgery. It's like a veil has been lifted…the day is bright…a weight taken off my shoulder. A new lease on life!

I want to thank everyone so very much for all the continued support through emails, comments and such and hope you will still be right here cheering me on as I continue down the path of my journey, now just taking another route, trying to find my way.

Until next time…
Trish

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